


Stuck On The Bridge Between - Jace

by clizzyx (Tori_Scribbles)



Series: No Matter What [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Jace Wayland, Coming Out, Jace Wayland Feels, Jace is a Lightwood, Jace is done with labels, M/M, Magnus Bane Is The Sexuality Guru, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Magnus Bane, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Valentine is a dick, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 14:37:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11210109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tori_Scribbles/pseuds/clizzyx
Summary: Waylands, Morgensterns they don’t struggle with anything. They’re strong and bold. Confident and powerful, and most importantly; they never waver.It’s a good thing Jace is a Lightwood then..Alec liked boys, Izzy just liked people in general with no preference, and Jace, Jace liked girls... and boys?Theoretically, Jace knows that there is nothing wrong with this. He loves his siblings and nothing, including their sexuality's, could ever change that. He knows it doesn't matter... So why is he struggling so much? Why is it so different when it'shim.





	Stuck On The Bridge Between - Jace

**Author's Note:**

> A shout out to [Seaselkie](http://seaselkie.tumblr.com) for beta reading this for me. You can also find her Ao3 [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Tattered_Dreams/pseuds/Tattered_Dreams)  
> Title comes from: Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan  
> So, this is a sequel to the Izzy fic, but it can be read as a standalone story, this just happens after it.  
> If you haven't read it, just a heads up:  
> This happens after 02x10.  
> The Rizzy disaster never happened.  
> Climon broke up already.  
> Other than that, everything's pretty much the same.

Waylands, Morgensterns, they don’t struggle with anything. They’re strong and bold. Confident and powerful, and most importantly; they never waver.

It’s a good thing Jace is a Lightwood then.

Because he is struggling; he always has been.

Despite what his father, what Valentine, tried to beat into him from a very young age, he does have feelings, and although he might try to ignore them, those feelings are still there.

Jace first really realised this with Clary.

When she came into their lives, she was new and exciting and pretty and the two of them only had eyes for each other.

Until Valentine stepped in, as he does, and crushed any chance of Jace being happy with her.

Knowing, thinking, that they were siblings should have been enough diminish Jace’s feelings, but as much as he tried to ignore them, push them away, sleep with Seelies and get drunk at Magnus’; those feelings remained.

When Clary started to date Simon, Jace expected to feel jealousy, and he did. Seeing them happy together, sparked a bitterness in Jace that was unfamiliar to him. At first he thought that he was jealous because he wasn’t over Clary but then… then it became something else.

When Jace found out that they weren’t related, when Clary and Simon broke up, and Clary found her feelings with Isabelle were reciprocated. Jace realised that his jealousy had all but disappeared, that maybe he wasn’t jealous of Simon after all.

Jace found himself spending more and more time around the Mundane turned Vampire, and over time his babbling became less annoying and more endearing. His naivety seemed to fade away into thoughtful understanding. His incessant need to trail around after Clary, became less of a childhood crush and more of a fierce protectiveness, even after they broke up. Even after Simon lost the status of boyfriend and regained the title of best friend, his presence at the Institute never wavered. He would come and go throughout the day, just because he could, mingling with the Lightwoods just as much as with Clary.

He even dropped in on a couple of Jace and Alec’s training sessions.

It started with him just passing by the training room as the brothers sparred. He’d linger in the doorway, watching the fight curiously and when either of them noticed his presence he’d rush away in that decidedly awkward manner that only Simon could manage.

Until one day he didn’t rush away fast enough, and to everyone’s surprise, it was Alec who invited him to join them.

Simon gaped at him for nearly a full minute before snapping out of it.

“You actually want me– _me_ to—” He gestured around the room in confusion.

“It was just an offer,” Alec said, a hint of defensiveness in his tone, like he was already regretting being nice to the Vampire.

“No, no, I do. It’s just, people around here, Shadowhunters I mean, they don’t exactly like spending time with a Vampire and you… don’t exactly like me,” Simon said, looking at Alec curiously.

Alec turned away with a roll of his eyes, twirling his bow staff around extravagantly.

“It’s not exactly like you would beat either of us,” Jace said confidently, ignoring Simon’s vaguely offended look. 

“I know how to fight,” Simon boasted, getting two eye rolls in response.

“Humour us?” Jace said, gesturing to the mat.

Simon stepped further into the room, fumbling to catch the staff that Alec tossed him. He stepped up opposite Jace whose smirk only widened.

Simon let out a nervous breath but still tried to smile. “Alright, let’s do this.”

.

After that, Simon dropped into their training sessions more and more. Alec began showing up less and less. Jace didn’t even stop to consider that the two things were linked.

What started as a couple of training sessions turned into a weekly thing and after Alec stopped turning up, the dynamic shifted; it became something else.

They started hanging out outside of the training room, they’d head back to the boathouse and Simon would insist on watching whichever movie he was currently obsessed with. Jace would roll his eyes in faux exasperation before putting on the “house warming” gift of a magical TV from Magnus. Who though wasn’t happy with Simon living in a boathouse in pissed off werewolf territory, did insist on making Simon as comfortable as possible; free of charge.

This went on for nearly a month until Simon took the step forwards for them to hang out outside the Institute and missions and… everything.

The doorbell chimed but Jace didn’t bother to look up from the TV, absently twirling his stele between his fingers, knowing that Magnus would complain if he answered the door to one of his clients again.

“Jace,” Magnus called out, a hint of what sounded like amusement in his voice. “It’s for you.”

Jace’s eyebrows furrowed as he counted the days in his head. He hadn’t missed training with Isabelle or Clary. Alec wouldn’t be here to see him, even if all of his arrows disappeared. He and Simon trained yesterday. Max was in Idris…

At the sound of footsteps Jace looked up, fumbling to catch his stele as it slipped through his fingers.

Simon laughed, his eyes bright. “I didn’t think Shadowhunters did clumsy,” he said with a slight smirk.

“I didn’t think Vampires had day jobs delivering pizza,” Jace retorted, nodding to the pizza box in Simon’s hands.

“They don’t,” he said. “At least not day jobs. Eva delivers the occasional order for the Hunters Moon some nights. The wolves only left her because she’s the great, great, great, something grandmother of one of the pups, who was bitten by the last Alpha and didn’t know about this world until Luke found her. It’s cute because she didn’t have any family and now she has Eva, the wolves _and_ the vamps-” Simon bit his lip as he realised he was rambling, the brightness in his eyes fading to anxiety.

Jace’s lips twitched in amusement. “So?” he prompted.

“So, what?”

“So, what’s with the pizza?”

“Oh, right, that.” Simon shook his head and held out the box. “It’s for you.”

Jace frowned in confusion. “Why-why would you buy me pizza?” he asked, his voice soft and unsure.

Simon shifted his weight between his feet, the last of his confidence seeming to fade. Jace was pretty sure that if Vampires could blush; Simon would be scarlet. It was kind of adorable.

“Well, you got me dinner, you know, after the whole Valentine slitting my throat.” Both Jace and Simon winced at the word choice. “So, I thought it was only polite to return the favour.” Simon shoved the box into Jace’s hands and dropped down onto the couch next to him. Jace just stared at the box dumbly. “Though I’m pretty sure Mr Ben’s Pizza won’t give you any special abilities like your blood did for me but…” Simon shrugged in a sort of ‘what can you do’ motion.

At the words ‘special ability’ Jace’s eyes widened as he stared at Simon in a mixture of fear and horror.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, his voice suddenly cold.

Simon rolled his eyes, apparently un-phased. “I know,” Simon said simply. “I know that it was your blood that gave me the ability to walk in the sun. I know what this would mean to Vampires everywhere. But I swear, I won’t tell anyone, not even Clary if that’s what you want.”

Jace’s hands shook and he dropped the pizza box onto the coffee table, forcing himself to take several deep breaths like Magnus had told him to, as several emotions rushed through him at once. He clenched his fists tightly, his nails digging into his palms.

_In and out. In and out. In and out._

Once he felt himself settle, trying to ignore the anxiety and humiliation that lingered, he looked back up to Simon.

“You-you told everyone that it was the sword that changed you?” he said. Simon nodded. “And you’re saying that you would keep lying to everyone about this… _forever?”_

Simon nodded again. “I would,” he said softly, his voice unwavering and certain.

Jace’s face scrunched up in confusion. “But why?”

“To protect you,” Simon said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

The words hung in the space between them. Jace felt something twist inside, an emotion dragged up from behind one of the many walls he usually kept up. It stuck tight in his throat; something he’d only felt a few times before. He first remembered feeling it when the _Parabatai_ bond sealed between Alec and himself, the first time Isabelle called him her brother, and the day that Max was born when they both insisted that he hold the tiny newborn first. He felt it again, more recently, right after he let himself cry in Magnus’ arms the night he moved in; the night he thought he’d lost his whole family.

Jace never had anything close to that feeling when he was a child, never knew it existed before he became a Lightwood. It was a wave of safety and trust, even loyalty. If he had to put a name to it, the closest thing he could thing of; was belonging.

“If the Vampires found out that your blood is the key to being able to live a relatively normal life, to walk in the sun, there would be a queue around the block for it,” Simon said, clearly trying to put it gently. “I didn’t think that would be good for anybody, least of all you.”

Jace nodded. “Yeah, no, I get it, it’s just... I didn’t think you cared that much.”

Simon actually looked offended at the suggestion but shrugged it off. “I dunno, Raphael said that when a Vampire drinks someone’s blood, they feel some weird connection to the person. It’s probably that.”

Jace’s heart sunk and he sighed. “Yeah, that, right,” he murmured.

Simon grinned, oblivious to Jace’s internal struggle, dropped back against the cushions, tossing his feet up on the table. “So, what’re you watching?” he asked.

“Er, I dunno,” Jace said, grabbing a slice of pizza. “Izzy recommend it. It’s called One Day at a Time. I’ve just started the first episode, hold on, I’ll restart it.” He reached for the remote, rewinding it back to the beginning.

As the episode started, Jace shoved the pizza in his mouth, unable to push away the strange pang of disappointment that shot through his chest.

.

After that night Jace couldn’t stop thinking about it; about him.

Every time Simon got too close, that warm feeling returned, an undeniable sense of security and… and a very particular type of affection.

Sure, Jace had felt this type of affection before, with Clary and Kaelie and… others, but nothing, none of it, compared to this.

_It’s just because of the blood. It’s just because you let him drink your blood. That’s why you feel like this, that’s probably the only reason Simon is even wanting to hang out with you. Nothing more._

_It’s nothing more._

He kept telling himself over and over again like a mantra.

_It’s nothing more._

_It’s nothing more._

_It’s nothing more._

It couldn’t be anything more. It was wrong for it to be, and thinking, knowing that just made Jace feel worse.

Because realistically, Jace knew it wasn’t wrong; loving someone of the same gender, he knew there was nothing wrong with a Shadowhunter being with a Downwonlder. By the Angel he lived with Magnus and Alec. He was happy for both of his siblings and their significant partners.

“Jace?”

Jace tore his eyes away from the ceiling to look over at his Parabatai who was leaning against the door frame, with that soft look of worry on his face that Isabelle had rightfully dubbed the “big brother look”. Another pang of guilt shot through him.

“Whassup?” Jace asked, his voice sluggish with sleep, but hoping that it didn’t waver, but by Alec’s frown, it didn’t work.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Alec replied softly. Jace turned his head away in shame, making Alec sigh. “The last few weeks,” he started carefully. “I’ve been feeling something, some _things_ that I haven’t felt in a while and I didn’t understand why I started feeling so bad about something I’ve come to love about myself, and then I realised… It’s not me that’s ashamed of my emotions, it’s not me that’s feeling guilty when I look at my siblings relationships.”

Jace’s eyes stung and he forced himself to take a shaky breath, refusing to look at his brother. How could he look at his brother when he felt like this?

Alec stepped closer. Trying to reclaim a little bit of levity to the moment, he swatted at Jace legs. Jace didn’t smile, but he did shift them over to make room. Alec sat on the edge of the bed, folding down with the easy, graceful kind of movement he usually only expressed when holding a bow. He looked out of the window, letting his eyes rest on the Brooklyn skyline for a moment.

“I understand Jace,” Alec said gently. “Firstly, I’m not going to say anything not even to Magnus if you don’t want me to. Secondly, you have nothing to feel guilty for, I know you don’t have an issue with my relationship, or Izzy’s, not really. What you’re thinking doesn’t make you a bad person.  I need you to hear me when I say that there is nothing wrong with you; nothing. However long it takes you, I’m here. Nobody is going anywhere.”

Jace’s bottom lip trembled and he swallowed thickly, his eyes fixed on the wall. Barley comprehending Alec’s soft, “When you’re ready.” As he stood and quietly left the room. At the sound of the door closing, something cracked inside of him.

Twisting round onto his side, pulling his knees up to his chest; Jace let himself crumble.

For the first time in years, he sobbed and he cried, he prayed to the Angel for it to end and he let it all go.

.

The next morning it took Jace over an hour to sum up the courage to leave his room, and when he finally did he walked straight into the kitchen in the search of coffee. Finding Magnus already in there making some kind of vile smelling potion.

“Good morning,” he said, glancing up from his work briefly, his eyes lingering as he studied Jace for any signs of distress, he frowned slightly but went back to stirring the cauldron.

“Morning,” Jace replied, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Stepping around so he could lean his forearms against the counter and watch Magnus work. “Shouldn’t you do that in your office, where it’s like more hygienic or something?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “All these ingredients are natural and only one of them-” he shook a vial. “-is toxic,” he said. “So it’s fine.”

“Since when is using _any_ toxic materials _in your kitchen_ classed as fine?” Jace asked.

“Since I’m the High Warlock of Brooklyn and I don’t clean things up by hand,” Magnus said with an exasperated sigh.

“Right…” Jace said, not totally convinced, but knowing it was better not to disagree with Magnus about these types of things.

“Alexander has been called to the Institute, apparently there’s some Conclave meeting. He’s bringing dinner home with him,” Magnus said.

Jace nodded, hearing the double meaning in his words. _Alec won’t be back for several hours if you want to talk to someone other than your brother._

Neither of them said anything for several minutes. Jace ran his finger around the rim of his mug absently, deliberating his choices. He watched the green steam rise from the cauldron in lazy, perfect coils; the acidic smell of the concoction making the air sharp, it scraped down his throat with each breath.

Magnus attended to it, seemingly undistracted by Jace’s presence.

“Can-can I ask you a question?” Jace asked.

“I believe you just did,” Magnus said, glancing up with a smirk. “But you may ask another.”

“They say that when a Vampire bites someone, there’s a connection made. That for a period of time they have… feelings for each other. Do you know – I was wondering how long it takes before it wears off?” he asked, not entirely sure if he wanted an answer.

Magnus shrugged slightly, sprinkling a pinch of something into the cauldron. The moment it hit the surface it fizzed loudly and the gently green steam turned to a cloud of orange smoke. Jace scrunched up his face in disgust as the smell only worsened, but Magnus seemed undeterred as he continued stirring it.

“I’m no expert in Vampire biology,” he warned. “But, I know it depends on the Vampire’s age, how much blood it taken, how many times and how frequently the person is bitten. If someone is bitten once and not much blood is taken, then the effects might only last twenty-four hours. As you know some Vampires keep Subjugates, humans bitten repetitively and frequently, for them it would take weeks for it to wear off and their feelings would fade into severe withdrawals. People have been known to die from it.”

“So, when Simon bit me… those feelings would…”

“Have faded by now,” Magnus finished softly. “Whatever feelings you have; they are your own. They have been for some time now.”

Jace nodded for what felt like the millionth time that morning. He felt as the words should have reassured him, eased his mind, knowing that his feelings were genuine; but it didn’t. All it did was cause his anxiety to once again spike.

He’d barley realised he had stopped nodding, but it took him a second to realise the white knuckled grip he had on the mug, he could hear the blood rushing through his ears. His pulse was erratic, pressed around the heated ceramic, thumping in his thumb. He tried to relax but it was like his muscles were knotted together; defiant and disobedient.

And then he heard Magnus’ voice; quiet and distant, like he was hearing it from underwater, with a growing note of urgency.

“…n you hear me? Jace?”

Jace startled, hissing as he splashed hot coffee across his hands.

“Ah, fuck. Sorry I just-”

“It’s fine. Hold still,” Magnus instructed. He clicked his fingers, simultaneously clearing away the coffee and summoning Jace’s stele.

“Thanks,” he grunted, activating his _Iratze,_ sighing as the pain faded away.

“First Alexander, then Isabelle, now you, all of you confused and ashamed. Damn Shadowhunter prejudices,” he muttered angrily. “C’mon.” He led Jace out of the kitchen, away from the hot coffee and onto one of the couches. “Jace, I know you hold nothing against Alec and my relationship, nor Isabelle and Clary’s. I’m not even sure it’s possible for you to truly hold anything against you Parabatai, but this is about you. What _you’ve_ been taught about yourself. What you were told, for so long, was expected of you; how anything less was unacceptable. Because I don’t think this is Robert and Maryse’s prejudices that you’re struggling with, is it? It’s about what you were told before the Lightwoods took you in.”

Jace looked a way, scrubbing his hands across his face. “It’s so fucked up,” he muttered into his hands, trying to ignore the nausea rolling in his stomach.

“What Valentine did? Yes. You? What you’re feeling? No,” Magnus said.

“You’re wrong,” Jace said, looking up at him, his eyes glassy. “It’s wrong. It’s sick. He’s a-a-”

“A murderer, a psychopath, an extremist. Yes, he is all of those things,” Magnus said bluntly, but not unkindly. “But for years you didn’t know any of that. He was the only person in your life for years. He manipulated you, made you want to impress him, hurt you when you didn’t, he tortured you for years and that is going to leave a few lasting wounds and some of them might leave a scar. But some of those scars will fade, they’ll heal, they’ll just take time.”

“I hate that he still has a hold over me,” Jace said, turning away to look out of the window.

“I’m not surprised,” Magnus sighed. “Trust me on this, the more you do against Valentine, the less of a hold he will have over you. Find who you are, without Valentine leaning over your shoulder. Be who you are and it will get easier; every day.”

“So, what? I’m just supposed to pretend that none of this even happened?” Jace said, a defensive hint to his voice.

“No, but you do whatever you want to,” Magnus said. “Your life is yours to do what you want, with no shame or judgment from the people that matter.”

Jace gave a humourless laugh. _He makes it sound so easy…_

“It’s not easy, but you all get there. Like Alexander, like Isabelle and Clary and Simon and…” Magnus said. “Like I did.”

Jace faltered slightly, it was very rare that Magnus spoke about his past, especially voluntarily.

“We must all look so stupid to you,” Jace said, smiling slightly at Magnus’ affronted look. “I mean, you went through this… hundreds of years ago. When-when-when-” Jace faltered before the words could leave his mouth, he slammed his hand against his thigh before taking a deep breath and trying again. “When… liking someone of the same gender, liking men wasn’t even a possibility.”

Magnus chuckled slightly. “That’s a widespread misconception actually. Ancient Greece encouraged children to explore same-sex relationships, but when they came of age they were expected to carry on the family line. Rome it was considered natural, in the eighteenth-century some men even got marriage-like ceremony’s. Ancient China had no concept of heterosexuality or homosexuality,” he said.

Jace felt his eyes widen in surprise. “What happened?”

Magnus’ smile turned humourless as he looked away, his mind lost in memories. “Religion,” he said grimly. “Even in the Shadow World it was widely accepted until Christianity started spreading. Once it did… the fear of God created more prejudices and what was the norm then became a minority. As more religious Downworlders were born or turned… them finding out that Angels and Demons were real… Well, let’s just say it didn’t help matters. As for Shadowhunters, as _The Word of God_ got popular, religious culture mixed with theirs, things got blurred. The only thing that was the same throughout was the condemnation.”

He looked back over at Jace. “So, no,” he said. “I don’t think you’re stupid or weak or whatever else you’re calling yourself. When I came to terms with my sexuality it wasn’t easy, but I was with Ragnor by then, I was in a safe space. You, Alec, Isabelle, none of you have had that, not really. You’ve all had expectations hanging over you your whole life. You’re allowed to struggle with this, just know that you’re not alone.”

Jace turned away, drying his face with the ends of his sleeve, flinching slightly at the gentle hand on his shoulder, but it didn’t pull away. After a moment, he looked back at Magnus and forced himself to give a small smile. “Magnus,” he said. _“Thank you.”_

Magnus gave him a soft, comforting smile, squeezing his shoulder slightly before rising gracefully to his feet and heading back to the kitchen without another word.

Jace let out a heavy breath, mentally cursing everyone who ever made this so hard, as he pushed himself off the couch, stepping out onto the balcony, fully aware of Magnus’ watchful gaze on him.

When he was growing up, his father, Valentine, made it dear that there was a strict way things were done, and then… he met Alec. Alec who taught Jace what it meant to have a family; Alec who taught him that he didn’t have to do things alone; Alec who was gay. By the time Jace realised what Alec’s feelings meant; he didn’t care because it was Alec, and because it was Alec it meant Valentine was wrong.

“Those types of people” as Valentine would put it, Jace realised were exactly the same as everybody else. They weren’t wrong or damned or sinful or any of those things, they were just people. Mundanes or Downworlders or Shadowhunters, they just… were.

And so was Jace.

He had liked Clary.

He had liked Kaelie.

A Shadowhunter girl visiting from Idris, who had spent a year at the Institute when he was fifteen.

But he also liked Simon.

He wasn’t gay, he wasn’t straight.

He was bisexual… probably, at least that’s what seemed to fit best at the minute. Maybe it would change, maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe it didn’t matter at all.

“Jace?”

Jace raised his eyes, at his Parabatai’s voice. _How long had he been standing out here?_

“Jace, are you okay?”

Taking a deep breath he turned around, Alec’s frown deepened at the sight of him.

“I’m sorry,” Jace said, his voice cracking. Alec shook his head, stepping forwards, pulling Jace close. “I’m sorry for shutting you out.”

“Shut up,” Alec grunted, hugging him tighter. “You don’t apologise for this… You told me that.”

Jace sobbed slightly, pressing his face into Alec’s shoulder, letting the feelings of warmth and safety wrap around him.

Eventually Jace managed to pull away, slowly looking up at him. “I—” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m Bisexual,” he said, feeling the weight lift off of his shoulders as he finally said the words out loud.

The anxiety, the shame, the fear, it all seemed to slip away, because none of it was necessary, not here, not with Alec, or Magnus, or Izzy, or Clary, or with anyone that really mattered.

No matter what happened, with or without Simon, Jace was one more step towards really knowing who he was.

**Author's Note:**

> I would just like to make a small disclaimer: I am not an expert on sexualities, religion or history. But, what Magnus said about Greece, Rome and China, is true, go and google it. What I said about religion is my personal views, mixed with whatever facts I could find out about it.  
> Next up, Alec... or is it? There are two more instalments to come.  
> Kudos is appreciated, comments are appreciated even more ♥  
>  **Find me on[tumblr?](http://clizzyx.tumblr.com/)**


End file.
